All from The Humour Vault

Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

A: Popeye almost killed him!

If College Students Wrote the Bible, the Ten Commandments would actually be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.

Two nuns are hard at work painting the monastery. It is very, very hot and one nun says to the other, “Do you think it would be evil if we took our habits off since we’re working so hard and it’s so hot?” The other nun said, “Well, we’re all alone and no one ever comes here, to the monastery, so it will be fine.”

So the nuns took their habits off and were painting in the nude when all of a sudden, a knock was heard at the door. “Who’s there?” they cried in a panic.

“The blind man,” came the reply.

“Well,” said the first nun, “if he is blind, it won’t make any difference.”

So the nuns opened the door.

“Nice tits!” said the man. “Where do you want me to put the blinds?

David is not feeling very well and he decides to go see a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor’s reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor’s office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

David goes into the doctor’s office and says to the doctor, “I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse.”

The doctor said, “I just told her that she is pregnant.”

David exclaimed, “Oh my, is she?”

The doctor responded, “No, but it sure cured her hiccups.”

One unfortunate day, three men died in a horrible car accident. They all found themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. St. Peter had just one requirement for them: On entering they each must present something Christmas-y.

The first man searched through his pockets, and found some mistltoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presented a Christmas cracker, so he was also allowed into Heaven.

The third man casually pulled out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asked, “How do these represent Christmas?” The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”