"Pre-Ordination Retreat"

I understand the appeal of poetry – it provides a way to express something that you can’t necessarily put into words, or pin down. However, it’s never been my strong point, so I’m not going to even attempt it, and try and use prose instead!!

Tomorrow afternoon I am going to be ordained Deacon in the Church of England, and I have no real idea of what that means. I mean, I know in practical and theological terms what it means (what I need to wear, the new authority and responsibilities that I will have in the public sphere, that I will become a representative of the Church, etc), but I don’t know what it will mean for me and my family at home, at church, at work, walking down the street, or even for my relationship with God. There’s a small part of me that thinks these things shouldn’t be affected, but a much bigger part that thinks they should, and all of me knows that they will, whatever I may think about it.

I am a little bit nervous, but at the same time at peace. God first called me into ministry some 25 years ago, and I have tried to be faithful to that calling ever since. It has taken various shapes and forms over the years, although with the same thread running throughout – which is helping people draw closer to Jesus, particularly through worship and discipleship. It is only relatively recently that God has started calling me (or perhaps that I’ve accepted that He’s calling me) to exercise this ministry as an ordained person. I have yet to find a satisfying answer to “why” – but I’ve also come to see that it’s not really the right question to ask. His ways are not our ways, and I just wonder if God is more about “who” and “where” and “what” than He is about “why”.

I’m not perfect. I struggle with stuff, I sin, and I’m plain stupid a lot of the time. But I am also redeemed by the redeemer, and He has called be to be a disciple amoung the disciples, and to work on making his beautiful bride into the body He already think she is.